Today on a dull day, where I felt tired, I was sad, for a moment in office I thought to go home and cry, as I was missing my dearest Papa. I was reliving all the his last moments, how exactly one year ago on January 29th he first became ill, thought that was the beginning of the end. I was sad with all the past thoughts. These thoughts made me feel more dull, fatigued.
In Afternoon I had a already scheduled lunch with a colleague. During lunch my friend asked me how I was doing. While answering to him, I was talking about how challenging it is to come out of the grief. I told my friend that I remember all the past incidents clearly, so it is challenging, if it was other bad memories from past, then I can make effort to forget it, but these are all the memories with my dearest father who is my everything, how can I let go. I don’t want to forget these things, even they are painful so it is challenging to not to think about all the incidents, how Papa became seriously ill for the first time, and gradually how it became worse over next 9 months. I want to move on with my grief, but without letting go of all the memories including painful, his last good bye!! I know the thought itself is contradictory. My friend was asking me about Papa, I was sharing how incredible man Papa is( still hard for me to write in past tense about him, as he is still in my heart, with me every time I think about him, his spirit is still supporting me). His dynamic, strong, courageous & bold personality I was describing. While explaining this all my childhood memories came to by mind, as if I was rewinding the film in my mind.Reminding me of Papa’s intelligence, his wit, his genius thinking, out of the box approach. Papa was great in local politics, how Aai became Municipal office member, served two terms, then when Papa himself stood for election, fearing Papa would be too powerful for some people, how they took efforts so he will not win, then he avenging his defeat and choosing who will be next mayor. This was very interesting angle of Papa’s diplomatic skills.
His courage, how there were situations where he had been alone among opponents where they could have easily attacked him, but he always went with brave heart and smartness. He would come out boldly from such events where people would be his followers.
His sharpness and smartness about every situation even if it is extremely difficult to handle, he will find hope in that dark times as well. And that too with a grin face, which will spread in family with a smile. He was the best chess player I have met who always thought about 10 moves ahead of everyone. I’m so glad and fortunate I learned chess from him.
His legality to every matter he handled! People would awe him after his super suggestions to their complex problems.
His way of managing people around him. Winning people is an important skill which he had, his people not only loved him, they became loyal to him, whom he trusted. He know who is not trustworthy also. Treating his servants also with so much care and respect. It was well balanced.
His parenting style! He gave us freedom, freedom to make my decisions, he will not bother or comment on small decisions. Aai disciplined us three on every things, mannerisms, culturing part, where Papa would be there but he never nagged us on any things. I remember getting beaten by Aai but can’t recall slap from Papa. He would observe our mistakes, over childish mistakes and after that arguments with Aai, some times even he would be in house and not comment. He would let us deal on our way, its not that he would neglect, he will observe everything. For us, especially me I knew that he was watching, but without saying a word, so that itself would create a self bound regulation. So never been in situation where I would be in trouble with him. So I got sense of self boundary. I think his style of not bothering us on small things so that his reaction to major things would be reserved and revered! I think thats why three of us always valued his say or rather his words in everything major in our lives.
I learned everything from him. I’m immensely proud of that. I loved you my Papa.
Lunch meeting was over, but I back to my desk active, more energetic after. After coming home I realized thinking about Papa, all these memories made me more active, more alive. I’m not dull anymore, how can I since Papa is with me 🙂
Janhavi Deshpande...my world... my thoughts! 